Here we are. The end of another wild week of football.

We had sackings, shocks, fights, shocks, worldies and a few more shocks, so now it’s time for us to wrap our heads around it all.

You know the drill. We’re ranking the top 15 performers in Europe, and this week, we’re turning the clock back to 1999 for a little help.

„You can’t stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting.” (Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace)

You can’t stop Youssef En-Nesyri any more than you can stop the suns from setting.

The Sevilla man bagged his second hat-trick in the last four games in his side’s 3-0 win over Cadiz, taking him to the top of the La Liga scoring charts.

„Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters.“ (The Mummy)

Another monstrous performance from Georgios Giakoumakis this week.

He’s only scored in two of his last four Eredivisie games, but the VVV-Venlo start just so happens to have netted four times in each of those matches.

Most strikers don’t even score four goals once in their entire career. Giakoumakis managed it twice this month.

“ There’s something wrong with this yoghurt.“

„Ah, that’s not yogurt, that’s mayonnaise…“

„Ah, right-o then.” (Notting Hill)

There was something wrong with Lorenzo Insigne this week.

Bitten by the curse of the Power Rankings bug, Insigne went goalless in his first game after entering the list, putting in a limp performance as Napoli were thumped 3-1 by Verona.

„You’re insane, but you might also be brilliant.” (Man on the Moon)

How brilliant is Luis Suarez?

The bargain of the season popped up with yet another goal this week, steering Atletico Madrid to a 3-1 win over Valencia, keeping them clear at the top of the league.

“Let him go! I’m sure his precious Andy is dying to play with a one-armed cowboy doll.“
„Now, Jessie, you know that he wouldn’t last an hour on the streets in his condition. It’s a dangerous world out there for a toy.” (Toy Story 2)

It’s a dangerous world out there for Harry Kane, who looks set for a little spell on the sidelines with an ankle injury.

The Tottenham star actually managed to injure both ankles in his side’s 3-1 loss to Liverpool, so we’re probably not going to be seeing him for a few weeks.

“Lord in Heaven, sorry for all the bad s**t I’ve done, all the people I’ve trampled on, I hope they forgive me, I won’t do it again, that’s for sure.” (The Green Mile)

It was a rough week for Pedro Goncalves, who earned himself two late yellow cards to spoil what was an otherwise happy 1-0 win over Braga in the Taca da Liga final.

It meant he was suspended for the trip to Boavista, but fortunately, Sporting didn’t need him anyway.

„Some magic’s real.” (The Sixth Sense)

If you don’t believe in magic, you’ve clearly never watched Joshua Kimmich play football.

In what could well be the best individual performance of the season so far, Kimmich walked away with three assists in Bayern Munich’s 4-0 win over Schalke, adding those to some ridiculous tackling numbers as well. What a guy.

“Why is it when men play, they always play at killing each other?” (The Talented Mr. Ripley)

Erling Haaland did his utmost to deliver the fatal blow to Gladbach, but it just wasn’t enough.

Haaland walked away with two outstanding goals, but that still wasn’t enough to stop Dortmund being put to the sword. More ground lost.

„You see, Maxine, it isn’t just playing with dolls.“

„You’re right, my darling, it’s so much more. It’s playing with people!“ (Being John Malkovich)

Kylian Mbappe was toying with Montpellier this week.

He added two goals and another assist to his ever-growing tally, re-establishing his lead at the top of the Ligue 1 scoring charts.

„Our standards have to be higher than anyone else because we are the standard of everyone else.” (The Insider)

Bayern are Europe’s gold standard these days, and Thomas Muller is a major reason why.

Known more for his assists these days, Muller took a day off from creating for others and instead fired home two goals of his own, and he’s now just one strike away from double figures in both goals and assists in the Bundesliga this year.

“Welcome to Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club!” (Fight Club)

Zlatan Ibrahimovic was in a fighting mood this week!

When his AC Milan side met Inter in the Coppa Italia quarter-final, Ibrahimovic was his typically prickly self as he tried to pick a fight with whoever came near him… and the empty stadiums meant we could hear every word of it.

He did score his side’s goal, but he still ended up losing the war against…

„I can’t believe I’m arguing with lunch.“ (Stuart Little)

Threaten to knock Ibrahimovic out in the tunnel? Check.

Score the most agressive penalty you’ve ever seen? Check.

Lift the Coppa Italia trophy at the end of the day? Check.

“Just ‚cause you’re beautiful, that doesn’t mean that you can treat people like they don’t matter.” (10 Things I Hate About You)

Cristiano Ronaldo managed as many assists this week as he did illegal holidays.

He started the week by helping Juventus to a 2-0 win over Bologna, but ended it under police investigation for breaking COVID-19 rules. Busy guy.

“In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.” (American Beauty)

Ciro Immobile found the back of the net in Lazio’s 2-1 win over Sassuolo to extend his scoring run to ten goals in his last 12 games.

He’s doing all his can to drag Lazio back into the title race, but there’s still a lot of work left to do.

„Never send a human to do a machine’s job.” (The Matrix)

He can’t be human. Robert Lewandowski cannot be human.

He has now scored in his last eight games – a run which has brought 11 goals – and the Pole is already nine goals clear at the top of the Bundesliga scoring charts.

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