Following a week in which:

– Christian Eriksen proved that he’s still quite good with a derby winning goal.

– Liverpool proved that they’re still pretty great with a comprehensive win over Tottenham

– Joshua Kimmich proved that he’s still the best footballer in the world with a hat trick of assists.

We at DEPR headquarters decided to go way back to 1999 to find some film quotes to rank some European football teams with. So, uh, yeah, let’s get into it.

„What happens when a man goes through his own portal?“ (Being John Malkovich)

What happens when a football team ostracise and then sell their best player?

Well, they get better – obviously.

Atalanta are unbeaten (in 11 games) since Papu Gomez was kicked out of Bergamo, and have scored an utterly ridiculous 28 goals in those games.

„What the hell is this, Marcie?“ (Magnolia)

So we know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking: ‚what the hell is this? Why the hell are Sporting CP still in the Definitive European Power Rankings?‘

We’ll tell you the hell why: they’re still unbeaten in Liga NOS.

Yes, still.

That’s why.

„The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. Third rule of Fight Club: someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. Fourth rule: only two guys to a fight. Fifth rule: one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule: no shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule: fights will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.“ (Fight Club)

The first rule of Liverpool football club is: you do not sign a centre back. The second rule of Liverpool football club is: you do not sign a centre back. Third rule of Liverpool football club is: despite not signing a centre back, you still batter Tottenham. Fourth rule: trust Roberto Firmino. Fifth rule: trust Trent Alexander-Arnold. Sixth rule: Thiago Alcantara can never be booked. Seventh rule: let the front three do their thing. And the eighth and final rule: #ItMeansMore.

„There’s a bunch of birds in the sky, and some deers just went running by. Oh, the snow’s pure and white, on the earth rich and brown! Just another Sunday morning in my quiet mountain town.“ (South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

The past few weekends have been pretty beautiful in Monchengladbach, as the people of the city have watched their beloved football team beat Bayern Munich and Borussia Dortmund. Nice one.

„The sh*t hath hitith the fan…ith.“ (10 Things I Hate About You)

Jamie Vardy is out injured for the next few weeks…Kelechi Iheanacho is the only fit centre forward at the club…

The sh*t hath really hitith the fan…ith for Leicester City at the worst possible time.

„They’re armed.“
„What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?“
„Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster…what do you think they’re gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!“ (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels)

I mean, look at that frontline.

Angel Di Maria, Kylian Mbappe, Neymar and Mauro Icardi.

It’s ridiculous.

PSG are armed with serious attacking talent, and after making a huge (sorry Chelsea fans) upgrade on their bench with Mauricio Pochettino replacing Thomas Tuchel, the Ligue 1 club *whisper it* might be the team to beat in the Champions League.

„I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it’s hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world.“ (American Beauty)

I guess Lazio fans could be pretty pissed off about their Coppa Italia defeat to Atalanta. But it’s hard to stay mad when their team beat AS Roma and are currently on a four game win streak in Serie A.

„It’s a deal, it’s a steal. It’s the sale of the fucking century. In fact, f**king, Nick, I think I’ll keep it.“ (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels)

Despite having basically no money (because all the money is being given to Cristiano Ronaldo), and despite not addressing the centre midfield problem at the club, Juventus did make some pretty shrewd moves during the summer.

The main one being the loan signing of Federico Chiesa, who looks to have finally made the jump that calcio aficionados have been predicting him to make for a very, very, very long time.

„Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want.“ (10 Things I Hate About You)

David Moyes has been the brunt of quite a few memes over the years – an angry Mancunian shouting ‚you got the job on a technicality!‘, Moyes speaking Spanglish etc.

However, being a meme doesn’t make you a bad manager. It just makes you, well, a meme for a bit.

Truth is, Moyes is still one of the best managers in the Premier League and he deserves the success he’s currently having at West Ham.

„I’m proud of you, cowboy.“ (Toy Story 2)

Rangers league form 2020/21:

Played: 26.
Won: 23.
Drawn: 3.
Lost: 0.
Goals Scored: 66.
Goals Conceded: 7.
Goal Difference: 59.
Points: 72.

Liverpool fans must be proud of Steven Gerrard.

„It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you’re sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.“ (Fight Club)

Look we know that the Sheffield United defeat was disappointing but it could be worse.

Man Utd could’ve lost to Sheffield United and Liverpool, or still be in the football purgatory they were in two years ago, so, you know, it’s not all bad. Things are still looking up.

„Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.“ (Office Space)

Manchester City are having their ‚excuse me, I believe you have my stapler‘ season.

And by that we mean that after Liverpool borrowed the big fat Barclays trophy (not stapler) from them for a few months, Man City have decided that they want it back.

„I’m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.“ (American Beauty)

When Christian Eriksen stepped up to take a 97th minute free kick in the Derby della Madonnina in midweek, he had absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

No one expected him to score. He’s been, to put it bluntly, sh*t for Inter throughout the past year, and he hasn’t scored a free kick since *checks notes* the dawn of time.

So with no expectations and with nothing to lose, Eriksen was able to strike the ball without any pressure. And this lack of pressure proved to be vital, as he was able to casually curl the ball over the wall and into top corner to win the derby for Inter.

Even ordinary footballers can pull off something extraordinary every once and a while.

„I’m Jack’s complete lack of surprise.“ (Fight Club)

Are we shocked that Joshua Kimmich set up three goals in a single game at the weekend?

No, of course not.

As we’ve been saying for the past six or seven months, Kimmich is the best footballer in the world and nothing exceptional that he does should be a surprise to anyone ever.

„That’s what a leader’s about; sacrifice. The times he’s gotta sacrifice because he’s gotta lead, by example. Not by fear and not by self-pity.“ (Any Given Sunday)

Luis Suarez has led by example at Atletico Madrid this season, topping the La Liga scoring charts and proving to Barcelona that they were unbelievably stupid to let him go in the summer.